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Cord that is... OOO look shiny... ooo look people... ooooo oooo ooo



*the next 2 hours will be spent with me trying to catch up on all the things I've missed without a power cord for my computer*



We shall return to reality next year.

Bring on the new year- right now- I'm ready for it. More important, I'm ready for some down time. This past year I've been reminded of many of the things I "couldn't" do when I was in Seattle because I was being responsible- the choices I made to blend in and feel like I was "not standing out" and this year I flipped many of those things on their side and it is now time for me to start blending them into the true ideal of who I wish to be.



There were also aspect to my acting in old behaviors- simply because I could- again, it is time to make this more into who I wish to be- not this character that is more extreme and not fully aware. I had started to forget my reasons for moving, and they are quickly being remembered.



Deep and secret are some of the aspects of them that I don't dare admit them for fear that in their fragile nature I will break them and they will never come to pass. Others are more mundane- and simple in their placement of what I want, need and would like. Still I have much that I have to do to step up on this- and well, I don't really know anymore. So much has been changed or is changing that I simply don't know what to think about these things.

I'm just a little - "pondering", "perplexed", "contemplative" don't really know the real adjective I want regarding this past year. So much has happened that in many ways I'm left with a sense of survival and wonderment of what is next on this grand adventure.



To say that I'm tired, sore and wanting bits of comfort- would be an understatement. Yet at the same point it is something that I know I must allow in only small doses as my actual want would make me not continue on where I need to and be gluttonous in taking what I can.



I'm hoping that my computer cord is waiting for me at the post office today- aside from that, I think it's time for just some rest, and hopefully relaxation from the continuous chatter that my mind has been going through...

Simplify



When I moved here 3 years ago- my goal was to quiet down my life and start doing the things that I wanted to do. It seems that this past week has been a wake up call to past patterns of behaviour and habits that for some reason I fall back on when the going gets “tough”. Many of these are fall backs to when I was younger and some of the abuse that was present in my day to day life. Now when I say abuse I mean the perception of abuse on my person- not the actual act. That is something that is subjective, and places blame, bottom line is- I will not be a victim, and so I’ll leave the rest of this tangent to another entry.



During those times the use of self gratification was a major factor in what I was choosing to do and thus finding ways of ignoring or not doing what I should be doing. Down time was not something that I welcomed, and in the quiet times I was looking for ways of distractions. This past week I am seeing this patter oh too clearly- and am now taking steps to change it.



I’ve seen different pieces as things have happened- but today the puzzle seemed to snap into place. From here? Well it is one big scary maze I get to navigate, however like everything else that has happened- I am confident that it is going exactly as it should- and that I simply need to get down to business. I’m still waiting for my cord, and honestly don’t expect it until probably after the holidays with how the postal service here can be. Until it comes- some of my projects must remain on the sidelines waiting for that moment when I can work on them.



I’d be a liar if I didn’t say I am scared shitless. It’s a hard thing to see yourself and where you are and realize what you contributed to get to this point. There are many “hills” to still travel, and yet while being in terror, a small part of me is looking forward to it, as I would a ride at an amusement park. Here goes nothing…

I have been severely disappointed in myself recently, not just because of some of the things I’ve expressed here- but my seeming inability to step forward. Then as I’ve allowed things to slow down and have let my perspective shift I realize that part of what I’ve been doing is breaking old ideals and old habits of how I have thought things should be.



See the conflict I express here, is often in reality not as extreme on the outside- it is my internal struggle to understand and then come to terms with my own failings. This has led me to remember that I have to continue the compassion for myself and my short comings. The fact of the matter is no matter how lonely or in want of finding a partner I am- until I am happy with myself any other relationship is doomed to fail.



Not because of my inability to get along with people, but because of my unrealistic expectations. There is still a large part of me that has to learn to be with others, and trust them. When I find this- I simply want to go go GO now now NOW… and yet- that is not where my situation truly is.



Yes people say you make time for the right person- however that is not always true. Sometimes you simply have to put yourself first or you will make the relationship far more complex than it needs to be *blushes and points to journal of past two months*. Still even with that, life needs to be lived- and sometimes fallen over to truly get it. Do I still long for way more than I can have- you betcha, and I will continue to work towards those means. That said, I’m finding my focus again- as since my move in June- to the death of my dog in Aug- to rowing season Sep/Oct- to immigration frustrations Sept/now- to broken computer Nov/now I have had too much on my plate to truly appreciate how precarious my situation has been. Taking the time for me, is not something that is unrealistic, it is needed.



And when I finish this and feel- “ah, that is the answer” life throws me another bone and I start to look and search again for what I desire- but may not want. Part of the point I guess is finding out by trying it out. Hrmph. Off I go…

It’s been yet another hard week. I have to say I knew that 2009 was going to be a year of change, I just had no idea how very hard it was going to be on my person. This New Year’s can’t come soon enough for me.



The news I got this past Thursday was from my old roomie and friend from grad school. She and I went to school together for 3 years then she lived with me for another 3- until I moved. We were known to go out shopping to spend way more than we could afford, have luxurious dinners with amazing food and great drinks. She truly encouraged me to remember life is for living and enjoying, and her reminders came at a time when I was hurting so much that I was in just survival mode.



Sadly now it is she that is in survival mode. It seems that her breast cancer from 13 years ago has spread in to her bones, her spine to be exact. This is not a good prognosis. It is perhaps one of the shittiest ones I have seen in a long time. To say that this is not fair- is a gross understatement. Her father has dementia bad enough now that there are days that he does not remember her- and he is the only family she has. I know that her best friend is in Seattle and she does have many people who love her- but that I am not there irks me to no ends. I have done the math over and over again- and while I could go for the holiday- it would end up making my situation much worse, and she has asked me to wait until she is stronger.



Fuck.



Add to the equation that I have had limited access to internet and other means of communication this past month- and I can honestly say that I feel more isolated and alone than I have in years. Perhaps it is my overall feeling of betrayal that these bad things keep happening not to me, but those I love. I am tired of loosing people- I hate having the glimpse to the reality that one day I too will most likely be in her situation and have that feeling of being a burden to society. It is the harsh reality of choosing a life where independence has been considered a virtue. To say that I’ve been questioning this is an understatement.



Perhaps there is nothing but to settle for someone such as myself.



But that is not what my gut says- it says to be patient, to face my fears. It does not change that I would much rather run and hide. I’ve had an image of myself the past few months that I realize is because it was the last time I truly just felt safe being. It is of me as a child curled in the lap of another person, not doing anything- just being near another person. What is it that as we age we find all sorts of different reasons to not just be this simple? It might be that others typically have other ideals of what they want and often it can be detrimental to our person. Don’t know- I just know that the ideal of that image is something I do long for- but will not settle to create.



Tonight I will go out and dance, and I will remember Marie- in our living room dancing and loving and living her life with vibrancy not knowing what was going to happen in the future as that did not truly matter. Then I will start watching tickets, so that in January I can make certain that I get to see her. But I don’t know that I will be ok with this- because she simply does not deserve this pain, she simply is too young.

YAY to some social time online... whew totally needed that :D



Thanks Flan and Bee! Ya'll RAWK!

Ack! I simply need more time online to catch up with people, hang out and read.



GRRRRR



Nope I still don't have a cord for my computer- but I am *almost* caught up with all of my bills *does happy dance* so soooooooon.



I simply have too much I want to say, do and not do- that it is quickly becoming a priority for me to have to get this taken care of.



*runs off to go lurk and make lewd comments in people's journals*

My Christmas tree is up and decorated *gushes*



I spent 7 hours yesterday cleaning my house, and now I've got the "mess" down to two rooms. Then from there I am going to be going through things and they will go in to three piles:



1. Love it use it frequently

2. Use it occasionally/useful

3. Toss it



Once I have gone through the basement and organized I'm going to continue to keep on my sewing. Some of the things I am looking at acquiring this winter are two TV's (small one for guest room where I'm doing my sewing) and a big one for my living room where I can set up my bike once I finish the payments on it.



The plan is to try to get things in place so that I can purchase these items in the after christmas/new year's sales. Then I want to get a dresser- as I love Ikea shelving, but I'm tired of having it in my bedroom and they have a dresser for 150.00 that I currently lust after. That will be during their yearly sale in Jan when I get that.



I'm still quite a bit stir crazy here, I'm still waiting for my papers so I can go visit friends in the states, and so that means no Christmas with family this year. I keep hoping that the general aspect would have changed by now- but it has not, and well now it is too late for me to arrange to be home.



Not having a computer cord- while annoying, is actually allowing me to focus on what I need to do. What I have figured out is that I was spending as much time on the computer as some people do watching TV. Personally I think it's a better use of time- but even so- that is the next thing I have to get as I'm going nuts! o.O



Ok ramble session is over... for the moment....

What a bloody way to start a weekend.



Seriously- more change is in the air- big change, and hopefully soon.



I can't even express how put out I am with how the building deals with these things and then expects us to pay PREMIUM rent, for substandard treatment.



Ok I am going to go do something now as if I don't I'm going to blow my gasket. And it is the weekend, which I really don't want to start in this manner.

Continuing on the line of thought I had from yesterday when my time at the library ran short, I do not think that we truly change. Instead I think we make choices to express ourselves that more fully allow our true person to show through.



I can think of another friend who actively says they are making changes- when I would argue that they are actually making choices now that are more in alignment with their true thoughts and feelings- than those they made before. In their past things were based off of superficial responses and thoughts- where now they are going toward the consideration of others and self combined. Truly not different than before- just they are holding themselves responsible for the outburst, and thus not having as many.



Do we truly take full responsibility for our actions?



I wonder this often as yesterday a friend of mine who has been a minister for over 10 years was posting how disappointed they were in their humanity- and how that has shut the door of communication with a few individuals. And while I understand that frustration, there is a true bit of reality that at some point they would run into someone that would have issue- simply to have issue. We cannot force others to take our view point or even at times consider it. The failing is not in our being- it fully lies with the person unwilling to see that there can be two opposing views that are both completely right, and in conflict with each other while both maintain their validity.



I still don’t like that. It is annoying- but I also find it is true.



Perhaps it is just plain and simple compassion that will allow us to bridge the differences with grace and ease. At other times we may have to resort to anger, fear or joy… the point is we create the situation- so we have control of the emotions we express and experience. It is our failing when we allow those points to fully control and take over our actions.



Yet we all do this.



It is then that I think our true measure is determined. Do we make amends? Or do we hide the truth from our own eyes and continue on the path that we started on. Either choice is completely ours- and either can be correct. Which is why I don’t think people change- they simply choose the life the wish to lead.



So when you wish to be mad at another for something they have said, or done to your person, pause a moment to consider what you did to put you in that situation- and what it will potentially benefit you. Will you learn something? Will the hurt create a need to change your behavior or is the fault truly on them? There are infinite ways to look at and create your own reality with your everyday experience. The beauty of this is, it only affects you, and another will walk away from the same instance an entirely different person- but still completely them self.

It’s been quite the month, blood pressure is still extremely low. However I don’t feel right unless I’m working out- so, without any symptoms I don’t have to worry- just watch. Currently it is 88/50 and no I’m not the walking dead.



I’ve had so much going through my mind, and no means of expressing it in the past month that I’m at a loss of where to start. There have been plenty of options for me to go out and visit with friends which has been sorely needed, although I’m finding that I may just hibernate for a while soon. I still have no computer cord which is the primary concern I have- *note to self: once you get said cord- transfer all your files to your desktop machine so you NEVER have to go without your files, even if you can’t be online.*



*sigh*



Good things that have happened, are I’m slowly getting out of the bindings that happened because of my dog’s vet bills. Now when I say slow- it is going to take me several months to get things where I want them- but that is a small amount of time compared to what it could be. That and going to Erin has been a blessing for my spirit. I can’t tell you how good it is to spend time with people who know you- and you simply don’t have to try to explain your past because they were there with you.



I’m not used to this being around people who doubt or question my life- so often I’ve just been around those that know. Or know people who know which then makes it moot to the things that happen here. Perhaps it is the maturity levels of those that I am closest to- verses those of the general population.



A friend said to me they thought it was because I was used to shinning more than others- and I had to look at them like they were crazy. Honestly in my life, I’m used to being outshined by those I know. Yes I have accomplished many, many things in my life- but I am surrounded by those far more accomplished than I. I am proud of my friends, and I listen to them when they question my path and why I have held myself back. Perhaps it is how I was raised, or simply that I want to KNOW for myself.



Knowing requires that I experience- which often times is a hard, brutal way of doing things. Yet I would not change it for anything as it has helped shape me into the person I wish to be. Where I go from here, will simply be a choice that I make to either fulfill or alter my path to my choosing. Not many people are given this option.



Take for instance my friend in Erin. I love her dearly- she and I trained together for almost 2 years and in doing so we saw each other at our best, and worst. Right now it pains me to see the conflict she lives with- and that she may not even be aware of. I hope that in time she is able to let go of the resentment she currently feels and is able to focus on the beautiful family she has. For she is truly blessed, but because of the hurt that has occurred she is not overlooking this, but is tainting it with a very low dose of anger. I hope that this changes soon- for I want nothing more than everything for her and her family.



She said something to me this last weekend that really has had me thinking:



Soul mates are not something you want to keep- they are something you get, and then let go of otherwise they tear you apart.



Now I agree that soul mates are a difficult thing to have, and that they while bringing us much joy, bring us more challenge. I have to disagree with her statement that you have to let them go- only in the instance where there is not conscious living do I think this is what has to happen. I think that if approached with more care and more patience it is by far one of the most rewarding things we can harness and mature. However I do not think that most people mature their love- I think instead they ride it as if they are at Disneyland and then wonder why it’s done when the rush is over. We have so confused lust, infatuation and hormones with love that we forget that it is work- and at times the most challenging we will face.



Not all the time, but in the moments that shape us and our personality. Ironically it is not the other person that shapes us in those moments- it is our own behaviour towards that person that does. What they reflect back to us is our “feedback/ or grade” from that encounter. We merely affirm who we are, want to be and if we are making steps towards that.



I’ve heard so much in the past: “oh that isn’t how they used to be”… and I don’t buy that. I have changed- yes, but I am essentially just more of who I was before. It is the choices I’ve made that have shaped me. People do not truly change basic aspects of their personality- they make choices to let those aspects show to others….